So, Christmas is here… again. And that means people all over the world will be expecting presents from Santa… again.
Well, I for one have had just about enough of this, everyone making demands of me and telling me what they want. So maybe I don’t feel like working all hours to bring iPads and iPods and iWhoKnowsWhats to you all on one of the coldest nights of the year. Maybe I just want to stay at home, put my feet up, and drink some more of this special reserve brandy – it helps to keep the chill out, if nothing else.
On that note , whose idea was it to give me a thimble’s worth of sherry and a multipack mince pie every year? Is that all I’m worth to you? Me, the spirit of Christmas himself, reduced to a standard measure of own-brand plonk and a pastry cup filled with leftover fruit peel. Or worse still, home-made mince pies with pastry only slightly softer than concrete.
I don’t even really like mince pies – Mrs Claus says they’re ‘comfort food’, and that I only eat them to try and take away the pain. Then again, Mrs Claus says I shouldn’t drive home after two billion thimbles full of sherry.
The truth is, I’m getting too old for this. I’ve been around for a thousand years, and let me tell you, it ain’t getting any easier. My uniform has changed from a classy green – not a million miles away from EHL’s logo and letterhead – to a red outfit that clashes with my ruddy cheeks and makes everyone think I just make soft drinks.
Kids used to want rocking horses and train sets – wooden ones, not electric ones. Now it’s all iPads and iPhones. Well there’s no ‘i’ in ‘Christmas’. I mean, there is, obviously, but they’re still greedy little beggars these days.
And do you think the elves know how to make accelerometers and GPS receivers? Sat-nav? We still use Rudolph’s nose to know where we’re going. I’m not sure that ‘Siri’ chick even believes I exist. Much like Loughborough Road – where is that office? All this “opposite Lidl” type of directions – not helpful.
So anyway, I’m finally catching up with the Digital Age and giving some virtual presents for a change. Forget all your selection boxes, matching scarf and socks sets, and traditional wooden toys. This year you’re all getting apps, so you’d better be grateful.
Just follow the instructions below to claim yours – I’m off to find out where Mrs Claus hid the last of the mince pies, and if I’m not still drunk by next December, I might see you then.
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